I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
