and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
