Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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