meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
