did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do vagina's smell?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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