My liver just broke up with me...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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