After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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