Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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