omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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