I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
