Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
