sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
