i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
