Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
