you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
