he thought i was a dude.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
don't judge my taste in strippers
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
