i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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