had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
