The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
