We won't sleep together?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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