I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
