So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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