Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
