Plan B is the new Plan A
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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