Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
