Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
