I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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