enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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