she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
