Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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