True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
