watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
