I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize