I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
