i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
