I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
