i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
