I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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