The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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