You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
