Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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