Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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