How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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