hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
