I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
