How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
