is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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