This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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