Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
