I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
