I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
